These past few weeks I have been walking a emotional tightrope and I have finally fallen off.
I had felt low, sad, but I thought I was OK and then finally~I crashed.
I can't seem to quit crying all the time. I have found myself telling my family I was going to the Circle K for my soda, and then find myself in the church parking lot where no one will see me curled up in a ball, praying,crying,trying to get a grip so I could return home and try to act normal. Sometimes I can't breathe! Why can't I just get up and get stuff done? Why am I in a panic and can't draw a breath?
I think my husband is embarrassed by this. Our home teacher came over and my heart was racing as I was trying to figure out how to ask for a blessing without being humiliated or sobbing uncontrollably. I almost didn't. He was standing to go and I mouthed to Tony do you think it would be OK if I asked for a blessing from him? I did, and of course, I did cry uncontrollably. Humiliating.
The other day Tony was talking to his mom and they were discussing all of the trials his family is going through now. I asked him if he told his mom I was having a hard time.(she has been very supportive in the past when I had postpartum depression) He looked at me like I was crazy (which I kinda am)and said of course not!
When I told him I love blogging but worry my mood will show through he suggested I give it a break. And definitely~Don't post about being depressed!
So~ this has me thinking here. Why is it so shameful to admit we are struggling with something? To admit not only am I not perfect, but I am far from it?
If you read other people's blogs, I am sure you have read this quote~President Gordon B. Hinkley: "You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of these meaningful, significant things. Some of them may be funny. Some may be of significance only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experience."
I agree wholeheatedly with this quote and blogging for me is how I record those memories. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal but blogging for me is kind of like a online journal of our lives.
So do I only write happy thoughts? Do I acknowledge the struggles? Do I look back on these hard times and see how far I have come?
The other day I had to take this picture of a Halloween project I did that someon
e wanted to use and email it to them. Tony commented on how if you look at this picture you see my pretty table with the cute picture frame Bailey and Hannah made for me and the scroll work on the clock. He thought it looked so nice and how if someone looked at it like he did they would think wow look how nice that is.Her house must be like that. But ~ they don't see the rest..the mess I just haven't been able to tackle etc..When you are looking at other people's blogs you just don't get the whole story just a glossy veneer.
But I am me...and I struggle with the good, bad, and very ugly. My blog won't have a glossy veneer because it's not who I am.
So, I have decided to post this because I think OK ~this is where I am at. So what? So what?
No more worrying whether to blog about it~or not!
18 comments:
I am so glad you posted this. I also go through periods of depression. The difference for me is that I don't have anybody around me to see me crying and not leaving the house for a period of time. Well, I have my bird Niles. He sees me and he gets sad when I am sad. I always know when it is coming on, because I just can't seem to keep my house tidy. I have no kids to blame for the clutter either. I never let people stop by without calling first, because I only want them to see what I want them to see. A friend of mine gets a blessing every time she feels really emotional and the blessings help. I am glad you asked for one. I have yet to get a home teacher in HI. I have asked for one, but they either never call or they never assign one to me. I wish I had access to the Priesthood in my home. I hope things get better for you. You are not alone. I recently found out one of my good friends here suffers from depression and I had no idea. She hid it so well. I have written in my journal during the bad and the good. I am always surprised when I read the sad things I wrote, but it makes me see where I have been and where I am now. It is also a guide for me, so I never reach the lowest point that I had experienced a few years ago. I think you are more like people than you think. Things will get better. They always do some how. I have also noticed how much better my life has been since I have been reading my scriptures every day. I find it hard to be sad when I am reading. Sorry this is so long. I am just glad that you are so real!
You need to get some good drugs. I don't know why us moms will rush to the doctor the minute one of our kids is not doing so well but take forever to do anything about ourselves. Take care of yourself. If you are on meds, they aren't doing what they are supposed to do and you need to fix it. Here are two articles from the Ensign and one from the New Era. They might be a help to you as well as anyone who does not understand depression or feels the need to judge. One is about a teenager but it was so good, I wanted to post it anyway. Call me if you need to talk - or for a good time. :-) Man, I must scare people.
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=18c905481ae6b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=516f2150a447b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=024644f8f206c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=257042629f5fb010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
I think it's important to blog this too. There are plenty of other people out there who are going through things like you are. Maybe by reading your blog, they might realize that they aren't alone and its' OK to have those times. My best friend has Bipolar. That is part of who she is. I wouldn't want her any other way. Hang in there and I hope you get feeling better soon. Just take it one day at a time (or one minute, hour, whatever) because that's what I do.
Lauri I am so sorry you are having a hard time. And this is NOTHING you need to be embarrassed about. Really. It is good you blogged about it, a good purger and this is who you are right now. If you can't be yourself on the blog, then what is the point?
I think with issues like this, our men feel so helpless. This isn't something they can fix so they just don't know what to do and it is frustrating for them. Hang in there! I'll give you a call later.
Lauri, everyone who knows you loves you, and a big reason for that is because you never pretend to be anything other than what you really are. Let everyone else sweep their problems under the rug. You put it out there, and you inspire people because of it. One reason I love my blog is because it gives me a place to focus on the positive. But, I also want to be able to express myself ... everyone wants to be heard ... so I created a new blog I haven't told anyone about yet that deals with my health issues. Maybe you've given me the courage to share it.
We all love you Lauri. Sometimes just knowing how much people love you helps too. I think sometimes we go through this life thinking that know one understands what we are going through. Then you share your feelings and you come to find that you are not alone. It took a lot of courage to share what you did and I can promise you that I am not the only one glad that you did. You will be amazed at how many people you have just touched. We ALL struggle and only a few are brave enought to admit that we do. You are one of those brave few. I felt like my body was starting to fall apart. Every doctor I went to told me it was my life. I had too many kids. Blah blah blah. Just 3 months ago did I finally find someone who would listen. I am so glad that she did. We were able to find some medication that finally helped the symptoms go away. We all need help in some way. Please know that you have a WONDERFUL EXTENSIVE support system. I think most if not ALL of us would be more than willing for a 3am phone call just to talk. Please don't hesitate to do so.
We LOVE YOU!!!
I don't know what to say about this topic as I've never experienced it or known anyone who has, but from reading your comments you've already gotten all I can say is WOW you have an amazing support system outside the one within your home and that's just awesome, I'm glad that you've written about it, not many people talk about it publicly. So you do what you do best and that is BEING YOU!!! I love you!!
Yes, you should talk about it!! Because we all go through this from time to time! I would head to the doctors. Get on some meds. for on until you level out alittle and I would have your hormone levels checked too. We are at the age where they can play a very big roll in how we feel. If you every need to talk you know where to find me!! Hang in there!! Things will get better!
AND BLOG YOUR HEART OUT!!!
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you know i totally feel like these are the things that should be put out there. everyone is thrilled to know they aren't alone. and others struggle with the same things.
hugs!
i have no glossy veneer. and the love keeps flowing.
i totally value reality vs.fakey fakey people/blogs.
Lauri... I have to agree with Shelli, that you are loved by all who know you. You're real and eveyone knows where they stand with you.
We all go through periods of problems whether because of hormone imbalances or whatever. It's important to keep sight of the fact that you are allowed to be human and I truly believe we have to have the down times in order to fully appreciate the up times.
Hang in there. More later.
Love you lots
aunt Lynda
I hear ya loud and clear. I haven't blogged for a couple of days. I have been trying to tend to things that need attention. Blogging is way to clear your head, get it out, reflect, and push throught it. I am glad you blogged, I can so relate. I have been stifled and I couldn't think of what to blog about. I am back and movin' on, too. Hang on, there is a peak of sunshine coming. Call me when you need to, I am here and just around the corner.
I'm so glad you posted this. The best blogs are real life. Things will get better, just keep moving forward.
Okay... we're at the airport in Albuquerque waiting for a flight and I have time to do this again. I wrote a really long thing this morning, and it disappeared. And of course it was brilliant and insightful and wonderful. SIGH.
So what you need to know is we all go through this. You are definitely not alone. It's hard to be all things to all people, and you have a ton of people that you feel responsible for. I used to tell my kids that I was broken and needed some time to myself. And then there's always the "Mom is not my name... and I'm not telling you what it is" defense. I think that one is most needed with teens and preteens though.
I have to say that I have gone through some really hard times in my life and I know that you do get through them... but if you need help you can't be afraid to ask. And continue to insist until the help you need comes through. No one can help if they don't know you need it.
As to your house, I remember one time my very wise daughter caught me cleaning the oven at 11:30 pm after I had come home from my second job. Her response...What the HELL are you doing? I answered that I was cleaning the oven because Aunt Ginger was coming the next day.
She said something that I try very hard to remember, and that has probably got me farther from my ocd about the house than anyone. Pay attention please.
Her response was "If your friends are coming to see you they don't care whether your house is clean or not. They love you for who you are and don't give a damn about the house. If they are not your friends, why do you want them here and what do you care what they think? It struck home, but I did make your mom look in my oven the next day.
Something I have learned over many, many years is that often we have things bothering us and don't know what they are, just know we have some dis-ease in our life. I think that writing about it, or talking about it with your true friends and loved ones is the very best way to discover what it is. Once you know what the problem is, it is a more simple solution to figure out what to do about it. If you don't know what is causing the problem, how could you solve it. If you do know, then you at least have the option to look at it logically and intelligently so you can decide that it's either something you can solve, or not. If you know it's not something you can solve, then you can make an effort to let go.
Anyway, the bottom line is that what you are going through is part of your life. You have a huge support system in place to help you out when you need it. It's truly fun to read your blog and giggle and laugh out loud. BUT, the bottom line is that this is your life, you're writing about your life, and it is real.
The not being able to breathe and function is a panic attack. It is real, and lots and lots of people go through it. I truly don't believe your husband is embarrassed by it, I think he doesn't understand. Perhaps if you talk to him about it he can also help you talk through this. Don't EVER be humiliated by your feelings. Haven't you ever met someone unable to express their feelings. What stiff and boring people they are. When you life is one flat line, what's the use?
I think Tony didn't tell his mom what was going on because he felt it was your place to do so if you saw fit. It's really uncomfortable to have someone else say things when you aren't ready for them to be out there...
We ALL struggle with the good, bad and VERY, VERY ugly. But only the real people admit to it.
If you need help with your house, everyone should help. You're not the slave... even the little ones can pick up the toys and put them away. They can pick up trash and fill a bag... AND if they know it will help mom feel better, you are giving them the gift of learning to show their love for you by helping...
Just my opinion, but of course I'm always right.
Love you lots!
Aunt Lynda
I'm so sorry you have been down! I was wondering where you were yesterday at church. I haven't seen you and now I know you have been on vacation, had a horrible house break in and been down and out. Know that I am thinking of you and you are truly loved by a lot of people that think you are the BOMB! It's o.k. to blog about the real stuff that's why we are here...to read, help, enjoy, laugh, cry and make life friends! Things will get better- Love you ♥
Lauri- I think you are amazing and it has been great getting to know you better. I am sorry you're not feeling well. I think it is good to post about this because we realize we are not always the picture perfect glimpse we see at church for a couple of hours. Last weekend we went to a cub scout campout and a couple of the kids from "perfect families" were totally fighting. I was loving it. I just felt better about my kids being "normal" and not the "evil villans" that I sometimes wonder about. You're in my prayers...call for anything!
Lauri,
Although I don't know you personally, I feel like I do after reading your blog. I am "Land of the Lost" on your mom's blog page. Anyway, I really appreciate your openess regarding your feelings. So many times moms feel exactly the way you do. You just have the cajones to say it. Good for you!
Trust me, your not alone. I've permanently removed the time stamps from my blog so nobody knows what time I write them if that gives you any kind of clue lol. I so appreciate honesty and openness in others. How can you ever get to know somebody if they aren't honest with you. It's all fake otherwise. You've got 10 kids- OF COURSE you're going to lose it. Rent the movie the "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" and tell me you don't relate to the scenes where the mom loses it. I know I did. :P Take care, and take a break when you need it!
Laura
I'm so glad you shared. We all have moments like these. Like you said it is good to reflect on these experiences later and see how much we have grown from them. Think how long the Book of Mormon would be if only the good times were recorded.
Thanks again for sharing! And by the way I love the I am a Child of God frame. I might have to make those for Christmas. It would be so cute on their dressers.
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