These past few weeks I have been walking a emotional tightrope and I have finally fallen off.
I had felt low, sad, but I thought I was OK and then finally~I crashed.
I can't seem to quit crying all the time. I have found myself telling my family I was going to the Circle K for my soda, and then find myself in the church parking lot where no one will see me curled up in a ball, praying,crying,trying to get a grip so I could return home and try to act normal. Sometimes I can't breathe! Why can't I just get up and get stuff done? Why am I in a panic and can't draw a breath?
I think my husband is embarrassed by this. Our home teacher came over and my heart was racing as I was trying to figure out how to ask for a blessing without being humiliated or sobbing uncontrollably. I almost didn't. He was standing to go and I mouthed to Tony do you think it would be OK if I asked for a blessing from him? I did, and of course, I did cry uncontrollably. Humiliating.
The other day Tony was talking to his mom and they were discussing all of the trials his family is going through now. I asked him if he told his mom I was having a hard time.(she has been very supportive in the past when I had postpartum depression) He looked at me like I was crazy (which I kinda am)and said of course not!
When I told him I love blogging but worry my mood will show through he suggested I give it a break. And definitely~Don't post about being depressed!
So~ this has me thinking here. Why is it so shameful to admit we are struggling with something? To admit not only am I not perfect, but I am far from it?
If you read other people's blogs, I am sure you have read this quote~President Gordon B. Hinkley: "You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of these meaningful, significant things. Some of them may be funny. Some may be of significance only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experience."
I agree wholeheatedly with this quote and blogging for me is how I record those memories. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal but blogging for me is kind of like a online journal of our lives.
So do I only write happy thoughts? Do I acknowledge the struggles? Do I look back on these hard times and see how far I have come?
The other day I had to take this picture of a Halloween project I did that someone wanted to use and email it to them. Tony commented on how if you look at this picture you see my pretty table with the cute picture frame Bailey and Hannah made for me and the scroll work on the clock. He thought it looked so nice and how if someone looked at it like he did they would think wow look how nice that is.Her house must be like that. But ~ they don't see the rest..the mess I just haven't been able to tackle etc..
When you are looking at other people's blogs you just don't get the whole story just a glossy veneer.
But I am me...and I struggle with the good, bad, and very ugly. My blog won't have a glossy veneer because it's not who I am.
So, I have decided to post this because I think OK ~this is where I am at. So what? So what?
No more worrying whether to blog about it~or not!