I'll probably be deleting this post by morning, but for now I am going to just vent a little and hopefully feel better.
I find being a mom to be so fun, at times rewarding,and often fulfilling. I may not be great at being a mom but I really try. I worry constantly about them. Am I teaching them to be kind, to be a good friend, to be honest, respectful, to have faith, a love of God, a good work ethic, etc.
And then I worry when I know I fall short. I haven't set a good example, I haven't held them accountable, I have been so overwhelmed I haven't been as good as I can be. I know that there are several things that I have fallen short on. No one needs to tell me this cause I feel the guilt daily as I pray for strength to do better, to be better.I know.
I have felt like I have really been on top of things lately. Clean house, meals cooked, laundry being done, we have been trying to have family prayer every night (big thing for us as we don't do it consistently), a new found commitment from Tony and I to be better parents. Live a life more in harmony with Christ's teachings. We are really trying here.
And here's the thing..I feel like even though we are trying we are failing! I see how one of mine is having a hard time, with honesty, and not having good friends, and not seeming happy. I have been worried and praying for this one.
And then there is Zachary.. here is my greatest worry. He is so disrespectful. To me. He has contempt for me.I am not sure how this has happened or why. he has become hardened.
We got into another huge fight yesterday over his swearing at me and his screaming when I asked him to take his stuff upstairs and then I told him he had to eat what I cooked for dinner. (you know~ Told him this is not a diner and I am not a short order cook)
So tonight at the football game his girlfriend and her mom came. And they sat next to us. And the mom was asking all kinds of questions. She wondered if he ate a lot and if he has grown a lot lately.
I told her in a year and a half he has gone from being a little taller than me to almost 6 ft. I told her he grew so fast he has stretch marks on his side.
After the game Zach was asking what we talked about and I told him. Know what he said? He said "Mom, you freaking a$$hole!"Yes, scream it and repeated it several times.
I'm sure you can imagine how the rest of the evening went.
So here I am in bed. And have been crying and feel like as much as I try I just seem to be failing as a parent. I feel like we are really starting to have problems here and it just keeps getting worse.
Man do I feel so discouraged.
So I am going to go to bed. And tomorrow I think I will feel better. And I will hope for some peace of mind and pray for guidance.
I am sure that this won't feel so awful then. And then I will need to delete this!