It seems like some days I am on it. With the kids, house, It seems like everything just goes right. And then there are those days from hell. I can't seem to keep on top of it. Yesterday was SO one of those days! Want to know how it began? When Hannah left for school I dead bolted the front door. And then went back into my room where the little ones were. Bailey woke up and was crying about her head hurting and her neck hurting. I didn't even think twice when Ethan got out of bed and went into the other room. I was trying to comfort Bailey. But then I heard Hannah screaming my name a few minutes later. Apparently Ethan now knows how to unlock the dead bolt. And he escaped. And walked. All the way to the park! The kids at the bus stop pointed out the little boy who was climbing on the slide and Hannah freaked! She ran him home and gave me the surprise! What the crap? And so the day began.... Followed with him spraying tilex all over himself and the floor. Which of course them smell makes me puke and puke and puke. And can you say scary all over again? Nice, first escaping to the park, next getting into the chemicals. And I SWEAR I do watch him. I'm thinking I need a dog leash attached to him that I hold all day. Cause he got into the toilet too. And then after I gave him his second bath of the day I got him dressed again and then went into my room to put the movie Bolt on for the girls. And when I came out of the room guess what??? He was gone again. No where to be found. Not in the back yard. Not in the toilet. Not upstairs. So I am RUNNING to the park. (ouch) and he ends up not being there! I go home crying hysterically and am ready to call 911 when he comes strolling out of the garage with no diaper on (he likes to take it off and wipe poop on me or the walls as soon as he craps his diaper!) Not sure where he was. Tony thinks maybe he was hiding behind the trash cans. He also likes to open the freezer and sit in it. Or climb up and get the salt out to dump on the counters or climb up on top of the bunk beds and jump like superman. Or turn on the water in the back yard so he can make mud. He loves playing in the mud.He is crazy. Wild crazy unlike any kid I have ever had. Some days I am running and running just trying to keep him out of trouble and safe! Kids and especially this one can be exhausting! They run me ragged. And I worry about them. Can I keep them safe? Physically? Spiritually?It's a balancing act and some days it feels like I am failing miserably. I wonder why I can't be more on top of it. Do a better job. Protect them more.
And it's not just my lil ones. It's the bigger ones too. They don't always make the best choices. And it makes me feel like I am failing miserably.I can't seem to protect them.
I have been crazy worried about Zach. He has a girlfriend that I am not wild about. She texts him pictures of herself in skimpy bikinis, and her language is bad and she is ALL over him. I am sure she is a nice girl, she just doesn't have the same standards as we do. And he is really into her. They have been going out for several months and my worries have only increased. He has seemed to pull away from family and church and I feel like I am losing him somehow. Like Ethan I am terrified I am not able to keep him safe.
So I have come to the conclusion at this point the only thing I can do is to simply get down on my knees and beg for help. And hope for some tender mercy. And just when I am at the end of my rope like I was yesterday, I sometimes find that mercy and a little relief.
Like when I picked up my teens after school yesterday. They asked how my day was and how I was feeling. I told them about Ethan's adventures and they laughed and laughed. Then Zach asked me if it would be OK if he went to the Easter pageant at the temple with his friend Jordan and this girl Lauren. (NOT the girlfriend!)Now Lauren is a girl from church that he has had a crush on forever. And they have been good friends. She went on the trek with him last year and he told me how neat it was to talk to her about the feelings he felt on the trek and how it was such a spiritual experience. I think she is the first person who has been able to touch his heart on that level.She is proud of her religion and not afraid to voice it.The past few weeks he and Lauren have been hanging out and he is happier. And more kind to his family. And I have felt a softening in him.And yesterday as he was telling me about the pageant he said it might be fun if dad and I come with them. And then I wondered who this kid was and where did he put my kid?
And I felt my eyes well up with tears. And I felt like I am not in this alone. I felt like some of my prayers were being answered and that maybe it is not always up to me alone to protect my kids.
And somehow I didn't feel like such a crap mom anymore. And I knew I could face tomorrow better with a little more prayer and maybe some duct tape too.