Forgive Me While I Whine! Again...

I think I'm a bit over the edge today. Kind of on the hysterical side. With my medication I am queasy 24/7 but only puke maybe 4-6 times a day. But I ran out of medication and am puking ALL day long and into the night. If I move I puke.
Went to the Dr today and puked 4 times while there. I had had it! I am over it and I have a long long way to go. Ughh.
So I did what I do best and broke down sobbing. nice! Tony kept telling me to pull it together. Not gonna happen.
So the Dr told me insurance is hesitant to pay for the meds. That they want me doing other stuff first before giving me the medicine that works. You know cause after 6 other pregnancies...I guess I don't know what I am talking about. Maybe happy thoughts and crackers will work if I will it too.
I don't want to go months and months without being able to function. I told the DR I can't live like this. She asked if I felt like harming myself. umm no, but maybe harming my husband!
So, my only option is going next week and if I lost some weight they might be able to justify to the insurance to pay. And if I agree to the IVs they can try to get me on the pump.Sheesh whatever it takes just give me my damn drugs ya know? So...I am not going to fight the puking this week. If I feel sick I am not even going to make the effort to get food in. And hopefully by next week I can get some drugs so I can sit up, maybe get out of bed and if lucky, shower. Such high ambitions.
Oh...and after talking with insurance tonight they decided they would pay for 12 pills. But I would have a copay. My portion?? $465. right. totally do-able.
now excuse me while I go puke and cry a little!

I Have My Ways!!

~Of getting even that is...

My teens love to torture me! They do it daily. Especially when we are in the car and I have no way of escaping.
Sometimes they will crank the radio up full blast, roll down the window and holler at people dancing and screaming. I get so irritated and yell at them and turn the music down. Often I'm told "Chill baby girl...it's all good"
Well, today I had the opportunity to get even!
As I was pulling up to pick a mouthy teen at school Lady Gaga came on the radio (who doesn't love Lady Gaga?) So I turned the radio up full blast, rolled down all the windows and slowly rolled up dancing my butt of in the car! All of mouthy teens friends mouths dropped open in shock then they started cracking up. Mouthy teen got in the car and asked "what the crap was that?"
My reply? "Chill~it's all good baby girl!"

Happy Birthday Chella Labella!

Saturday my wild child,Gracie turned 3!

She chose to go to Chuckie Cheese of course. Great place to torture the parents and have a good time. Mission accomplished!

She was a kick in the pants all day long. She told everyone Happy Birthday to you or she'd say YOU may not go with me to Chuckie Cheese. She was super nice to some and not so nice to others. You know...typical Grace!

My favorite part of the day was watching her open her presents. She was DELIGHTED with each and every present she received. She'd laugh and tell me she really loved it.

Do you ever worry you didn't get just the right present or buy enough of them? I always do for some reason but I couldn't have done better in her mind and it was great! She was so appreciative of everything.

The kids played for awhile and we ate pizza that tasted like cardboard! Fortunately for me I didn't care if tasted crappy since everything I eat makes me sick! I guess Chuckie Cheese isn't successful because of the delicious pizza it sells!

After Up Chuckie we headed over to Toys R Us and let Grace pick out a toy. She chose Fairy wings that play music. She is a odd duck that one!

I felt like crap by the time we got home so we saved the cake and ice cream for Sunday night's dinner with the missionaries.

We lit the candles and sang Happy Birthday to her but I couldn't get a picture of her blowing out the candles since the second we lit them she blew them out before I could take the picture.

It was a fun birthday for her and all the funny little things she did throughout made me smile and realize how grateful I am that this sweet, funny little girl is a part of my family. She is without question my hardest kid and yet she is also the most entertaining, and fun. I love, love her personality. Some days more than others of course!

Happy Birthday my little Chella Labella! I hope you had as good of a day as me!

Dig Deep!

I knew that I wanted to post my word for the year and express my thoughts but some things have happened that have been challenging and I feel like I don't want to post since I feel so crappy! But since I have had some questions I thought what the heck I'll explain!

In Relief Society a few weeks ago the lesson was Thomas Monson's conference address finding joy in the journey. I loved that talk and found myself touched by it all over again in church that Sunday. It was a talk that really, really pertained to me.There was a quote read that I thought Ahah!
It goes..“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.”
I thought OK. I need to work on this. It is not something I am very good at. So I decided that my word for the year 2009 was going to be Joy. Finding Joy In My Journey.

I thought this is my year for change. I want to exercise at the gym regularly. It would help me chill and lose some weight. That's good. I wanted to eat better, get more sleep and really focus feeling good so that I would be able to be a better parent, person etc. I had some big plans here. Seriously! I thought life was going to get much easier this year!
But sometimes life (and God?) has a sense of humor. And~Apparently I don't.

See. I have been vigilant. Birth control Nazi here.With TWO different kinds. So of course it would be impossible for me to get pregnant right???? WRONG!!! Apparently my husband has mutant sperm. Sick!HOW THE FREAK CAN THIS HAPPEN?
I am still in shock. Frustrated. I am downright bitchy. Not sure if I can really do this again. Don't really want to either. How sad is that?I love my lil ones so much. It's just the thought of the torture of being pregnant. I worry I don't have it in me to deal with this again. Puking days are here again.

I guess my resolutions for 2009 are going to have to wait awhile. Now the focus is just survive the journey right? That's really how I feel.
So as you can see my word of the year has now become a challenge for me. I am going to have to really dig deep here. Maybe put some of that bitchiness aside. Wish me luck folks. I think I am going to have a bit of a uphill battle here.
However, there is one more part of the talk that Pres Monson gave that pushes me forward and gives me a little comfort,advice, and perspective.
"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us."

He is so fantastic. And I need to be a little better. So I will have myself a little pity party and then try to get on and find Joy in the Journey. Are you laughing yet?

52 Blessings Project~Week 52!!!!

Dang I have been sick, so I have neglected my blogging a bit and am behind. So here is my last blessing of 2008. just a little late!
Now I know this is my last blessing of 2008. It should be something poetic.My last week to post something great. Something really spiritual, something big right? Whatever. However, I keep coming back to the same thing! And for me it IS big!
So This Week I am Grateful For~ An Easier Journey!
This has come to me at different times and a little at a time. I have had a realization lately.When I first had Ethan I was cooked. Done! I had a hard time. 3 under 3. 3 In diapers. 3 in my bed. 3 demanding my undivided attention! It was hard. At times it downright sucked. I'd have all three of them crying at once and then I'd find myself crying too! I am not super together. NOT Super patient. If I were a dog I think I'd be a poodle. Nervous and shaky and yippy!
About four months ago things had been really hairy. Grace was having melt down after meltdown all day long! She and Bailey would fight non stop. The older ones took being a mouthy teenager to a whole new level. I felt as if I was getting it from every angle. I was pretty dang discouraged! I was taken to the very edge and then... BAM!Change! A little relief!

Bailey was potty trained, but Grace being Grace had to resist! She does Everything on her terms. Recently though she has decided she is done being in diapers. Woke up one day and said "no I wear panties, not diapers!"Well...OK! From 3 in diapers to 1! Making progress here...
And she and Bailey have decided being friends is better than fighting. They play so nice together. I love hearing Grace say "Bailey you are my best friend." To which Bailey will say "yeah Grace we love each other" Much nicer than the carnage that we had around here a few months ago.

Ethan has been taking naps consistently every day and I am really liking that! Mouthy teens and pre teen are off again on again a challenge but I have had some really nice times with them lately and it helps me see they will eventually come out of the fog. Patience dear, patience.

So, nothing huge, of great insight just the knowledge that things do get easier eventually and for that I am very grateful!